Thoughts lie

I'm at home, where I've been since about 5:45 this evening. I was very hungry when I got home so I warmed up some white chicken chili that I made yesterday. I ate a cup full, along with some toasted garlic pita bread. It's only been a little over an hour since I ate, and already I'm having thoughts of eating more. I DON'T WANT ANYMORE! I am quite satisfied thank you very much.

See, this is what I don't understand. Why, if my body isn't calling for any food, does my mind say, eat. I'm not bored, stressed, upset or depressed. I've been busy since I walked through the door, yet, these thoughts chant, eat some more, eat some more.

I can't control what thoughts pop into my head, but I can control how long they stay. My pastor always says, that "not every thought you have belongs to you." And that's essentially because our minds lie to us. So if that's the case, and this thought doesn't belong to me in the first place, then it's gotta go. I can exchange it for something more life-giving. I can exchange it for the Word of God. And I can change it now!

Heck, even writing has helped remove the thought of wanting to eat. I guess this blog is fulfilling it's purpose.

No Resolve

Wow, it's been a long time. I wish I could tell you that I've left Egypt, never to return. But that would be a big fat LIE! I'm still in Egypt and I've unpacked my bags and settled back in. It's a shame, I know. I'm not even comfortable here but I don't have the energy to get up and leave. Well, that's not completely true. I have plenty of energy and resolve in the morning. Everyday when I wake up, I'm determined to do the right thing that day. I tell myself that I can do it, and I usually do, until the meal after lunch. For some reason, it's like my thoughts go crazy. All that I thought about, and spoke to myself earlier that day, just kinda flies out the window. I gotta work on that, I know. I am...I will. It's a promise I've made to myself.

Gotta Make it Slushy!

I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I don't think I ever want to eat again. I'll warn you now, what I'm about to say is not for the weak stomach. It may get graphic. LOL.

So I was doing some research the other day, online, when I came across some sites about chewing your food. This piqued my interest, because I'm guilty of not completely chewing my food before swallowing. I've been told that I may not have a mature palate because I don't taste some of the most intricate flavors in food, but I don't think that my palate isn't mature, it's that I don't take the time to actually chew and taste the food. I don't savor the flavor.

Here's what I learned as I was reading, Mahatma Gandhi said that we should "chew our drink and drink our food." Okay, first off, just the sound of that statement makes me want to gag! I'm starting to feel sick all over again. Ugh! But apparently, chewing your food until it is liquid in your mouth, helps with digestion, and has a bunch of other health benefits.

As I continued to go through the links, I found some that gave instructions on how to chew your food. One woman was hosting an online chew-a-thon and gave a demonstration on how to properly chew your food. She said that you should chew 100 times before swallowing. She told us that when you chew, you should close the back of your throat, so that no food escapes and then let the saliva mix with your food, until the food becomes slush in your mouth. Excuse me. I'll be right back. I gotta go puke...

Then she said that as you continue to chew, the taste should become sweet. I wouldn't know, because I've never gotten to that level of chew before. And at that point, didn't think I wanted to. But after reading 15 or so sites, I decided that I would give it a try since it offers so many health benefits.

So I tried it. And yes, it is as gross as it sounds. And no, I didn't taste the sweetness. I can get to about 40 chews, which is excellent, since most people chew on average 10 times before swallowing. And actually, the experts can't quite agree on the number of times we should chew. Some said 25, others said 35, while others said 50. I think the point is, that you chew until your food is liquid, however many chews that take. Anyway, I've decided that I would just rather drink my meals (drinks that start in liquid form) and will live vicariously through others as they eat. I know that eventually I have to eat, but I'm doing that only when I absolutely, positively have to these days, which of course is when I should be eating anyway. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I know too much about the health benefits to turn back now, so if I'm going to eat, I know I gotta make it slushy.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ"

At this very moment I am sitting in my office, trying to convince myself that I don't need another cookie. Some of the big wigs flew in this morning to meet with staff, so lunch was brought in for the occasion. Well, lunch is brought in almost everyday for some reason or another, so this wasn't extremely special. The only difference is, there's more of it, with plenty of cookies left over. Anyway, I've already had my lunch and I am no longer hungry. Probably won't get hungry again until much later this evening. Just in time for dinner, providing I don't go for that cookie in the other room.

I know that I really only want the cookie because I'm distracted. I'm tired, I have a lot on my mind, and as much work as I have to do, I'm not focused. I'm tired because I woke up very early this morning, too early in fact, and those of you who know me personally, know that I am already an early riser by nature. Somewhere between 4:00-5:00 a.m. would be my usual. But this morning, I woke up at 2:00 a.m. with Phil 4:13 on my mind. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Great thought to have, but I wondered why I had to wake up thinking about it, and, did it have to come so early? I've come to the conclusion that it may have something to do with that one-sided argument I had with God earlier in the day about wanting to change, but not knowing how to. Yes, I raised my voice. Sometimes I do that. I was very frustrated because there are just one too many things that I need to change, and am afraid that I just don't have what it takes to do so. And compared to the other things, changing the way I think about food, seems so easy.

I'm not a quitter so I'll keep at it. I said at the beginning of this journey that this was going to be a long haul because I'm making changes to last a lifetime, not just for a couple of months. And if He says I can do it, then I can do it. So let's get it done!

Now for that cookie...I think I've lost my appetite for it.

Stuck between Egypt and The Red Sea

Y'all I've been stuck between Egypt and the Red Sea. Every day I struggled over whether I should journal or not because I didn't have anything good to say. And I remember my mother telling me a time or two that "if you don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything at all." I know that's not quite what she meant, but I decided not to say anything anyway. But I know that's not the purpose of my writing. I'm supposed to write through the good and bad, right? This is a journey and not all of my days are going to be nice and clear. Some days are going to be downright stormy.

I shouldn’t paint such a dismal picture though. I've had some days where even I was surprised by my decisions, like ordering breakfast from a fast food place, and deciding to eat only one thing in the bag, and saving the other for later when I got hungry again. That was a new phenomenon for me 'cause I always thought I needed to eat everything in the bag while it was still hot. It wouldn't be quite as good reheated, which is so untrue. But some of my other experiences throughout the last couple of weeks included bingeing out in the evenings, and eating passed politely satisfied. I know exactly why it happened. And knowing why it happened is half the battle. Here are some of the things I allowed my thoughts to tell me. "I am who I am and I'm happy with that. So what if I'm 30lbs overweight? If people don't like it, that's their problem, not mine. I look darn good with every inch of extra curve on my body." But while it's okay to be comfortable with myself, no matter how I look, I also know that those thoughts can be destructive.

So all of this destructive thinking came to a head yesterday, when I ate so much, I made myself sick, mentally. I ate just for the heck of eating. I ate at the mention of food. I ate at the smell of food. I ate just because. As a matter of fact, I only ate once when I was actually physiologically hungry. I went to bed just sick of myself, and woke up resolved not to go back to Egypt. Had to say it out loud and repeat it over and over. I AM NOT GOING BACK TO EGYPT! I will keep saying out loud because there is lots of power in the words that I speak. I AM NOT GOING BACK TO EGYPT!!! I will get beyond the Red Sea. I will because it’s in me to do it.

What about My Internal Signals?

When trying to lose weight, most everybody thinks about working out and going on diets. Especially now, it's the beginning of the year, and we all have our resolutions. Since I've started blogging, I've had people suggest to me weight loss products, other weight loss sites, ways to lose, what to eat, and so on and so on. We can't help it, because it's our culture and that's just the way we do things. And it's what comes natural. But today, I'd like to introduce a new thought to challenge our natural way of thinking. It's nothing fancy, nothing deep, just an observation I've made.

When we were created, our bodies were designed to perfection. And had not sin entered into the picture, thereby bringing with it, sickness and disease, we would all still have perfectly functioning bodies. So with this perfectly designed body, we sleep when our bodies say we're sleepy. We drink, when our bodies say we're thirsty. We go to the bathroom when our bodies say it's time for a bowel movement, so why is it that we eat when our bodies haven't said it's hungry? Or keep eating after the body says it's full?

Have you ever tried going to bed before you got sleepy? What happened? Most people I know, try to fight sleep, because they want to stay up to watch tv, still have chores to do, are working on projects for school or work...or whatever. Even babies fight off sleep! Ok, so what about using the bathroom? Do you make plans to go to the bathroom, before the body signals you that it needs to go? LOL. Can you visualize it? That is absolutely hilarious! But no, you probably don't do that either.

So what's up with our eating habits? Why do we abuse the body in this area, and not follow our body's signal? I can't answer that for you, only you can. But here's what I do know, if we start following our body's signal for eating, which is eating when you're physiologically hungry (that means you feel a physical hollowness or growl in the esophagus/stomach area), and then stop when your body says, I've had enough, then your body will shed any extra fat, if you're overweight, and keep you lean if you are not. Our bodies are perfectly and intricately designed and it knows exactly what it needs and when. If we would begin following our God given internal signals, then we wouldn't have to work so hard externally. You could take the money you spend on gym memberships and high priced diet foods, and buy a new pair of sexy skinny jeans. Or get this, you could sleep in longer, instead of having to get up and work out. Think about it.

Guarding our hearts

I've been stressed out the last couple of days. There are just so many things going on at work, not bad things, just a lot of things, and it's got me worked up. I had the same amount of projects last week and the week before, so my being stressed out can only be caused by one thing...ladies, I don't think I need to explain any further.

I'm glad to say, that being stressed out didn't send me into an eating frenzy. Well...not completely. Instead of pigging out, I went home, because I couldn't find a jazz club to go to, and created my own jazz club experience. I plugged in the ipod, and let Miles Davis, Sonny Rollins and Robert Gasper fill the air and set the mood. When I got hungry, I ate appetizer style with a glass of red wine.

Yesterday evening was a different story though. I was starving and stressed, so I decided on a salad. I should know better than to eat salads, because it gives me a false sense of indulgence. I think, because it's a salad I can eat more of it. Oh how wrong, how wrong. More is more, no matter what it is. If your heart wants more of something God is not calling you to have, then it's greed...it's gluttony... it's sin! And guess what, my body made me pay for it, both yesterday evening and still this morning.

So on my drive in to work this morning, I started meditating on Proverbs 4:23 - Guard your heart, for it affects everything you do (NLT). Before today, I thought that verse had more to do with guarding your heart against people, but I realized this morning, that we need to guard our hearts from anything that will hurt us, because that thing will affect everything else in our lives. So to put this in perspective, not guarding our hearts from the greed of food, can, will, or has caused health issues, created anxiety filled clothes shopping experiences, affected our ability to do certain jobs, or get a job for that matter, and has even affected our relationships.

I have been asked by some, why I'm not working out right now. Because like salads, working out gives me a false sense of accomplishment. I can certainly spend at least an hour at the gym everyday because I love strength training, but when I workout it falsely gives me the "right" to overeat. Because again, just like eating salads, my thoughts say, "well, since you worked out, you can eat more." So until I learn to guard my heart against the greed for food, which is at the heart of my problem, I will stay away from both salads and the gym. Well, maybe not salads. I'll just learn to eat less of it.

And you were starving...

...those were the words I heard one of my girlfriends say to me at lunch Saturday. There were a table full of us and we had waited almost an hour before our food was delivered. I was completely famished. I was actually hungry way before I ever made it to the restaurant, so after an hour, the hunger had left and come back again, with a vengence. When the food finally arrived, I ate a few forkfuls of my sweet corn, a few forkfuls of my broccoli cheese casserole, and a teeny tiny bite of one of my chicken tenders. By the time I finished, my plate looked like I hadn't eaten a thing. I still had corn, broccoli, and all of my chicken tenders still left on the plate. It was when I asked for a carryout container that my friend said, "that's all you're going to eat?" And when I said yes, she then said, "and you were starving." It was right there I realized another truth - that my stomach is the same size whether I'm starving, a little hungry, or not hungry at all. The size of my stomach doesn't change (unless it's been stretched because of its continual overcapacity), so there's no reason why my food portions should change either.

Hmm, what an interesting revelation. We think that just because we're "starving," if any of us (from the USA) really know what that is, that that gives us permission to stuff ourselves. Think about that for a sec. Because we are severely hungry, does our stomach open up and become an abyss? No, it doesn't, but it's a lie that we've allowed ourselves to believe and it's time to put this lie to rest!

The next time you're tempted to overeat because you're starving, tell yourself, out loud, "NO! Eating until I am politely full will satisfy me just fine."

You would rather die in Egypt?

I really love studying the CofI because they remind me so much of myself, and everyone else I know. They are a reminder of how rebellious and obstinate I am. But also, how merciful our Father is. I'm surprised that God didn't just take 'em out, with their bad attitudes. The first time they opened their mouths to complain about not having anything to drink or chicken to eat, they would've been gone. That pillar of fire by night would have become an incinerator. LOL! Maybe I should be praying to be more merciful, huh?

So get this. While the CofI were on their journey through the wilderness they started complaining yet again. This time they said, "why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren't there enough graves for us in Egypt?" Hold up. Really? Y'all would rather go back to Egypt, as slaves, and die there, than go to the Promised Land. A landing flowing with milk and honey?

As unbelievable as this sounds to me, it's more unbelievable that my heart says the same thing every time it wants to overeat. Do I really want to go back to Egypt where there are "enough" graves like diabetes, high cholesterol, a heart attack or many of the other diseases that come with being overweight? Do I really want to go back to being a slave to the refrigerator? I don't think so.

Being a slave is not my idea of living. And Jesus said that He came that I might have life and have it in abundance. I get the feeling that dealing with complications from being overweight is not what He had in mind. So I'm gonna keep walking through this wilderness until I get where I'm going.

Giving up the greed

I was doing so well, that is until yesterday evening. Evenings are the worst time of the day for me because I usually get a thought that says, "it's time to eat dinner," whether I'm physiologically hungry or not. Yesterday was a bit different though. I wasn't tempted to eat when I wasn't hungry, but rather, I was tempted to eat more than I should've.

The other day I purchased a slice of cake from the local grocer and when I was hungry for it, I would take a few bites of the cake and put it away. Kudos to me! But then yesterday, after eating my meal, I decided to take a bite of the cake, which was okay since I hadn't come to politely full yet. But here's where the problem comes in. Because I only had a few bites of the cake left, my thoughts said, "go ahead and finish it off." So I did. Sure, there may have only been three or four bites left, but they were three or four more bites passed politely full. And three or four more bites that exposed my greed for food. And then to top it off, my next thought was, "you might as well finish off the mix popcorn, just to get rid of it." So yep, I finished that off too.

Now a person with no greed in their heart for food, would never be tempted to eat pass politely full. They would eat what their body needed for energy and sustenance and move on to the next activity. This truth only reveals how much I need a heart change. I heard a simple statement that said, "God gave up His Son." Wow. What a convicting truth. If He could give up His Son so that I might live, can't I give up the greed for food, so that I might live?

Answer to prayer

So the other day I was reading Exodus 13 when I read this verse -

God did not lead them on the road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest way from Egypt to the Promised Land. God said, "If the people are faced with a battle, they may change their minds and return to Egypt."

This was in reference to the children of Israel (CofI) leaving Egypt. So my first thought was, "you mean to tell me that there was a quicker way for the CofI to get to Canaan besides going on a 40 year wilderness trip? Aw naw." But then as I thought about it more, I realized that God could immediately deliver me from all my bad eating habits, be it emotional eating, eating out of boredom, eating just because the food is there. But what good would that do me if I haven't really and truly changed the way I think about eating during those times? He could do it, no doubt, but the next time I am faced with lots of food at the book club meeting, or the latest and greatest Oreo that's sitting on the counter at work, I'll just change my mind and return to Egypt.

That's not what He wants and neither do I. So I'm glad He showed me this scripture. It was an answer to my prayer, that He would just instantly deliver me from my love of food.

Leaving Egypt

So this is the beginning. I've already lost 12 lbs. since I started working on changing the way I think. However, I still have about 50 more to go. Now let me tell you, I lost this weight before, but somehow it found me again! And I absolutely cannot believe it. I keep asking myself, "how in the world did it find me? How did it know where to look?" Apparently, when I dropped it off, I didn't go far enough, which made it very easy for it to return home.

So what didn't I do right? I mean, I'm doing the same things today that I did two years ago. I'm eating only when I'm hungry and stopping at politely full. No exercise required because the fat just melts right off. I know, it doesn't sound possible, but trust me, it does. What I didn't do then, that I'm doing today is, changing the way I think about my relationship with food. This time, I've decided to let my Father - the one in heaven, free me from this pleasure trap.

I've come to realize over the years that my thinking is not much different from how the children of Israel thought. I remember thinking, "what's wrong with you people? when they'd complain that they would rather go back to Egypt and be slaves again after God had delivered and provided for them. But really, how different did I think when I ate a half of bag of mixed popcorn, when I knew I wasn't hungry? My actions say the same thing the children of Israel's did, "God, I know you want me to be free, but I'd rather go back to Egypt and be a slave to the food." Well, I don't want to go back to Egypt. I'm really tired of Egypt now, so I've decided to leave forever. There will be some challenges and difficulties, but I am ready. Well, here I go!