Thoughts lie

I'm at home, where I've been since about 5:45 this evening. I was very hungry when I got home so I warmed up some white chicken chili that I made yesterday. I ate a cup full, along with some toasted garlic pita bread. It's only been a little over an hour since I ate, and already I'm having thoughts of eating more. I DON'T WANT ANYMORE! I am quite satisfied thank you very much.

See, this is what I don't understand. Why, if my body isn't calling for any food, does my mind say, eat. I'm not bored, stressed, upset or depressed. I've been busy since I walked through the door, yet, these thoughts chant, eat some more, eat some more.

I can't control what thoughts pop into my head, but I can control how long they stay. My pastor always says, that "not every thought you have belongs to you." And that's essentially because our minds lie to us. So if that's the case, and this thought doesn't belong to me in the first place, then it's gotta go. I can exchange it for something more life-giving. I can exchange it for the Word of God. And I can change it now!

Heck, even writing has helped remove the thought of wanting to eat. I guess this blog is fulfilling it's purpose.

No Resolve

Wow, it's been a long time. I wish I could tell you that I've left Egypt, never to return. But that would be a big fat LIE! I'm still in Egypt and I've unpacked my bags and settled back in. It's a shame, I know. I'm not even comfortable here but I don't have the energy to get up and leave. Well, that's not completely true. I have plenty of energy and resolve in the morning. Everyday when I wake up, I'm determined to do the right thing that day. I tell myself that I can do it, and I usually do, until the meal after lunch. For some reason, it's like my thoughts go crazy. All that I thought about, and spoke to myself earlier that day, just kinda flies out the window. I gotta work on that, I know. I am...I will. It's a promise I've made to myself.

Gotta Make it Slushy!

I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I don't think I ever want to eat again. I'll warn you now, what I'm about to say is not for the weak stomach. It may get graphic. LOL.

So I was doing some research the other day, online, when I came across some sites about chewing your food. This piqued my interest, because I'm guilty of not completely chewing my food before swallowing. I've been told that I may not have a mature palate because I don't taste some of the most intricate flavors in food, but I don't think that my palate isn't mature, it's that I don't take the time to actually chew and taste the food. I don't savor the flavor.

Here's what I learned as I was reading, Mahatma Gandhi said that we should "chew our drink and drink our food." Okay, first off, just the sound of that statement makes me want to gag! I'm starting to feel sick all over again. Ugh! But apparently, chewing your food until it is liquid in your mouth, helps with digestion, and has a bunch of other health benefits.

As I continued to go through the links, I found some that gave instructions on how to chew your food. One woman was hosting an online chew-a-thon and gave a demonstration on how to properly chew your food. She said that you should chew 100 times before swallowing. She told us that when you chew, you should close the back of your throat, so that no food escapes and then let the saliva mix with your food, until the food becomes slush in your mouth. Excuse me. I'll be right back. I gotta go puke...

Then she said that as you continue to chew, the taste should become sweet. I wouldn't know, because I've never gotten to that level of chew before. And at that point, didn't think I wanted to. But after reading 15 or so sites, I decided that I would give it a try since it offers so many health benefits.

So I tried it. And yes, it is as gross as it sounds. And no, I didn't taste the sweetness. I can get to about 40 chews, which is excellent, since most people chew on average 10 times before swallowing. And actually, the experts can't quite agree on the number of times we should chew. Some said 25, others said 35, while others said 50. I think the point is, that you chew until your food is liquid, however many chews that take. Anyway, I've decided that I would just rather drink my meals (drinks that start in liquid form) and will live vicariously through others as they eat. I know that eventually I have to eat, but I'm doing that only when I absolutely, positively have to these days, which of course is when I should be eating anyway. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I know too much about the health benefits to turn back now, so if I'm going to eat, I know I gotta make it slushy.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ"

At this very moment I am sitting in my office, trying to convince myself that I don't need another cookie. Some of the big wigs flew in this morning to meet with staff, so lunch was brought in for the occasion. Well, lunch is brought in almost everyday for some reason or another, so this wasn't extremely special. The only difference is, there's more of it, with plenty of cookies left over. Anyway, I've already had my lunch and I am no longer hungry. Probably won't get hungry again until much later this evening. Just in time for dinner, providing I don't go for that cookie in the other room.

I know that I really only want the cookie because I'm distracted. I'm tired, I have a lot on my mind, and as much work as I have to do, I'm not focused. I'm tired because I woke up very early this morning, too early in fact, and those of you who know me personally, know that I am already an early riser by nature. Somewhere between 4:00-5:00 a.m. would be my usual. But this morning, I woke up at 2:00 a.m. with Phil 4:13 on my mind. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Great thought to have, but I wondered why I had to wake up thinking about it, and, did it have to come so early? I've come to the conclusion that it may have something to do with that one-sided argument I had with God earlier in the day about wanting to change, but not knowing how to. Yes, I raised my voice. Sometimes I do that. I was very frustrated because there are just one too many things that I need to change, and am afraid that I just don't have what it takes to do so. And compared to the other things, changing the way I think about food, seems so easy.

I'm not a quitter so I'll keep at it. I said at the beginning of this journey that this was going to be a long haul because I'm making changes to last a lifetime, not just for a couple of months. And if He says I can do it, then I can do it. So let's get it done!

Now for that cookie...I think I've lost my appetite for it.

Stuck between Egypt and The Red Sea

Y'all I've been stuck between Egypt and the Red Sea. Every day I struggled over whether I should journal or not because I didn't have anything good to say. And I remember my mother telling me a time or two that "if you don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything at all." I know that's not quite what she meant, but I decided not to say anything anyway. But I know that's not the purpose of my writing. I'm supposed to write through the good and bad, right? This is a journey and not all of my days are going to be nice and clear. Some days are going to be downright stormy.

I shouldn’t paint such a dismal picture though. I've had some days where even I was surprised by my decisions, like ordering breakfast from a fast food place, and deciding to eat only one thing in the bag, and saving the other for later when I got hungry again. That was a new phenomenon for me 'cause I always thought I needed to eat everything in the bag while it was still hot. It wouldn't be quite as good reheated, which is so untrue. But some of my other experiences throughout the last couple of weeks included bingeing out in the evenings, and eating passed politely satisfied. I know exactly why it happened. And knowing why it happened is half the battle. Here are some of the things I allowed my thoughts to tell me. "I am who I am and I'm happy with that. So what if I'm 30lbs overweight? If people don't like it, that's their problem, not mine. I look darn good with every inch of extra curve on my body." But while it's okay to be comfortable with myself, no matter how I look, I also know that those thoughts can be destructive.

So all of this destructive thinking came to a head yesterday, when I ate so much, I made myself sick, mentally. I ate just for the heck of eating. I ate at the mention of food. I ate at the smell of food. I ate just because. As a matter of fact, I only ate once when I was actually physiologically hungry. I went to bed just sick of myself, and woke up resolved not to go back to Egypt. Had to say it out loud and repeat it over and over. I AM NOT GOING BACK TO EGYPT! I will keep saying out loud because there is lots of power in the words that I speak. I AM NOT GOING BACK TO EGYPT!!! I will get beyond the Red Sea. I will because it’s in me to do it.

What about My Internal Signals?

When trying to lose weight, most everybody thinks about working out and going on diets. Especially now, it's the beginning of the year, and we all have our resolutions. Since I've started blogging, I've had people suggest to me weight loss products, other weight loss sites, ways to lose, what to eat, and so on and so on. We can't help it, because it's our culture and that's just the way we do things. And it's what comes natural. But today, I'd like to introduce a new thought to challenge our natural way of thinking. It's nothing fancy, nothing deep, just an observation I've made.

When we were created, our bodies were designed to perfection. And had not sin entered into the picture, thereby bringing with it, sickness and disease, we would all still have perfectly functioning bodies. So with this perfectly designed body, we sleep when our bodies say we're sleepy. We drink, when our bodies say we're thirsty. We go to the bathroom when our bodies say it's time for a bowel movement, so why is it that we eat when our bodies haven't said it's hungry? Or keep eating after the body says it's full?

Have you ever tried going to bed before you got sleepy? What happened? Most people I know, try to fight sleep, because they want to stay up to watch tv, still have chores to do, are working on projects for school or work...or whatever. Even babies fight off sleep! Ok, so what about using the bathroom? Do you make plans to go to the bathroom, before the body signals you that it needs to go? LOL. Can you visualize it? That is absolutely hilarious! But no, you probably don't do that either.

So what's up with our eating habits? Why do we abuse the body in this area, and not follow our body's signal? I can't answer that for you, only you can. But here's what I do know, if we start following our body's signal for eating, which is eating when you're physiologically hungry (that means you feel a physical hollowness or growl in the esophagus/stomach area), and then stop when your body says, I've had enough, then your body will shed any extra fat, if you're overweight, and keep you lean if you are not. Our bodies are perfectly and intricately designed and it knows exactly what it needs and when. If we would begin following our God given internal signals, then we wouldn't have to work so hard externally. You could take the money you spend on gym memberships and high priced diet foods, and buy a new pair of sexy skinny jeans. Or get this, you could sleep in longer, instead of having to get up and work out. Think about it.

Guarding our hearts

I've been stressed out the last couple of days. There are just so many things going on at work, not bad things, just a lot of things, and it's got me worked up. I had the same amount of projects last week and the week before, so my being stressed out can only be caused by one thing...ladies, I don't think I need to explain any further.

I'm glad to say, that being stressed out didn't send me into an eating frenzy. Well...not completely. Instead of pigging out, I went home, because I couldn't find a jazz club to go to, and created my own jazz club experience. I plugged in the ipod, and let Miles Davis, Sonny Rollins and Robert Gasper fill the air and set the mood. When I got hungry, I ate appetizer style with a glass of red wine.

Yesterday evening was a different story though. I was starving and stressed, so I decided on a salad. I should know better than to eat salads, because it gives me a false sense of indulgence. I think, because it's a salad I can eat more of it. Oh how wrong, how wrong. More is more, no matter what it is. If your heart wants more of something God is not calling you to have, then it's greed...it's gluttony... it's sin! And guess what, my body made me pay for it, both yesterday evening and still this morning.

So on my drive in to work this morning, I started meditating on Proverbs 4:23 - Guard your heart, for it affects everything you do (NLT). Before today, I thought that verse had more to do with guarding your heart against people, but I realized this morning, that we need to guard our hearts from anything that will hurt us, because that thing will affect everything else in our lives. So to put this in perspective, not guarding our hearts from the greed of food, can, will, or has caused health issues, created anxiety filled clothes shopping experiences, affected our ability to do certain jobs, or get a job for that matter, and has even affected our relationships.

I have been asked by some, why I'm not working out right now. Because like salads, working out gives me a false sense of accomplishment. I can certainly spend at least an hour at the gym everyday because I love strength training, but when I workout it falsely gives me the "right" to overeat. Because again, just like eating salads, my thoughts say, "well, since you worked out, you can eat more." So until I learn to guard my heart against the greed for food, which is at the heart of my problem, I will stay away from both salads and the gym. Well, maybe not salads. I'll just learn to eat less of it.