Stuck between Egypt and The Red Sea

Y'all I've been stuck between Egypt and the Red Sea. Every day I struggled over whether I should journal or not because I didn't have anything good to say. And I remember my mother telling me a time or two that "if you don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything at all." I know that's not quite what she meant, but I decided not to say anything anyway. But I know that's not the purpose of my writing. I'm supposed to write through the good and bad, right? This is a journey and not all of my days are going to be nice and clear. Some days are going to be downright stormy.

I shouldn’t paint such a dismal picture though. I've had some days where even I was surprised by my decisions, like ordering breakfast from a fast food place, and deciding to eat only one thing in the bag, and saving the other for later when I got hungry again. That was a new phenomenon for me 'cause I always thought I needed to eat everything in the bag while it was still hot. It wouldn't be quite as good reheated, which is so untrue. But some of my other experiences throughout the last couple of weeks included bingeing out in the evenings, and eating passed politely satisfied. I know exactly why it happened. And knowing why it happened is half the battle. Here are some of the things I allowed my thoughts to tell me. "I am who I am and I'm happy with that. So what if I'm 30lbs overweight? If people don't like it, that's their problem, not mine. I look darn good with every inch of extra curve on my body." But while it's okay to be comfortable with myself, no matter how I look, I also know that those thoughts can be destructive.

So all of this destructive thinking came to a head yesterday, when I ate so much, I made myself sick, mentally. I ate just for the heck of eating. I ate at the mention of food. I ate at the smell of food. I ate just because. As a matter of fact, I only ate once when I was actually physiologically hungry. I went to bed just sick of myself, and woke up resolved not to go back to Egypt. Had to say it out loud and repeat it over and over. I AM NOT GOING BACK TO EGYPT! I will keep saying out loud because there is lots of power in the words that I speak. I AM NOT GOING BACK TO EGYPT!!! I will get beyond the Red Sea. I will because it’s in me to do it.